The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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