cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
