Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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