I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
