so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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