then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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