I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize