I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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