anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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