And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They have beer where we have blood.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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