he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
