Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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