Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
