I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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