I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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