Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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