from now on my penis is your penis
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
