Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
