I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
