wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
