Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize