so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
