I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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