If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize