Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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