you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
