I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize