She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
