He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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