FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
