if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
