There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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