don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
