dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
