Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
