We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
