I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
