Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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