see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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