why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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