Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
