so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
