Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
