I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
