I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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