We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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