I wish you could order shots online.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
