found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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