Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
