Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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