i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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