Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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