Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
