News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
