She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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