I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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