Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
