Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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