dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
