who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
