I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
