come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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