how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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